The Art of Letting Go
by meeka-eela
Summary: "They say that the truest test of love is being able to let someone go, because true love demands sacrifice. I don't know who 'they' are, but a large part of me wants to punch them in the face for being so f**king right." Roxas POV, one-shot.


**Disclaimer: ****I am now the proud owner of a lab coat, but not Axel and Roxas. I don't own, so don't sue. **

**I'm a first year med student as of three weeks ago, and I really should be working on my Physiology, but this idea has been bugging me, so I had to post it up.**

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**The Art of Letting Go.**

"_Some people believe holding on and hanging in there are signs_

_Of great strength._

_However, there are times when it takes much more strength to know_

_When to let go."_

_-_Ann Landers

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Diary.

They say that the truest test of love is being able to let someone go, because true love demands sacrifice.

I don't know who 'they' are, but a large part of me wants to punch them in the face for being so fucking right.

I've thrown you at my bedroom wall at least three times now. The action just isn't as satisfying as I imagine it to be each time. In fact, each time that I hear the dull 'thud' indicating to me that you've met the Pokémon poster that I keep aiming you at, I just feel emptier than before.

Just like the action of writing in you is making me feel.

The idea of seeing my feelings on print like this makes me feel like my secrets are displayed on my person for the world to see and judge. It doesn't matter that no one can actually see my ramblings in this book, it's just the fact that they are here. My thoughts in my head could easily be forgotten as soon as I stopped thinking about them, but as soon as a thought is written down it's immortalized.

You, journal, were a present given to me by my mother after my parent's divorce. Something to help me get 'more in touch with my feelings' and keep me away from more destructive ways of dealing with my grief.

I don't think that it ever occurred to my mother that all I really needed was to just speak to her.

My parents had split almost four years ago and today was the first time that Ihad actually touched this book, let alone written in it. I never needed to write down my feelings during the divorce because whenever I was upset or confused, or whenever I went on one of those rants where I blamed myself for my parent's divorce and everything else that was going wrong on planet Earth, Axel was always there to comfort me. But I couldn't talk to Axel about something that included him, could I? AndI don't think that he would fall for my 'I have this friend called 'Moxas'' story.

Axel.

The mere thought of the red-haired pyromaniac, my best friend since primary school, sends a spike shooting through my chest, engulfing my broken heart and making me gasp in pain.

Okay, maybe that's being a little dramatic. My life isn't a teen romance novel.

But the thought of Axel does make my heart ache. I long to see his smile, his real smile, directed at me once more, and his laugh... fuck, I misshis laugh.

ButI guess that I'm getting ahead of myself.

You don't even know the story, do you?

You don't even know what the hell it is that i'm rambling about. Not that you care. You're just a book. A book purchased by my naive mother one day as she scanned the shelves for books on how to handle your teenager after a divorce.

I'mlying on my bed right now, with my dark blue bedspread pulled over me so that it forms a makeshift tent. I realise that it's childish, I_feel_ childish. But I just want to shut the world out right now while I tell you a little story. And even though it isn't fiction, this story that I'm going to tell you, I'm going to pretend that it is. Because the truth just feels too real.

And Idon'twant to face reality just yet.

**XxX**

Roxas always slept like the dead. And his mother always reminded him of that fact whenever he frantically asked why she didn't wake him up in time for school. So it was a huge surprise to him when he woke up because he heard his name being softly called. His sleep burdened eyes blinked a few times before they focused to the darkness that encompassed his room. It took him a few minutes to realise that someone was calling him from below his window. His mind hadn't really caught up to what was happening but his body had decided to go onto auto pilot so, before he could rationalise that it probably wasn't a good idea to open his window in the middle of the night just because someone was calling his name, his feet were already touching the cold floor and his legs were already carrying him to his window.

The first thing that he noticed when he opened his bedroom window was that it was extremely cold. And the second thing was that his bed friend was standing on his lawn, grinning at him like a fucking lunatic.

"Axel?"

"Hi, Roxy."

Roxas blinked a few times, and then he rubbed his eyes for good measure. But Axel was still there.

Okay, so it was established that he was not dreaming.

His eyes focused on his red haired friend who was standing on Roxas's front yard, his pale face looking up at Roxas like his mid-night visit was the most natural thing in the world. Which, Roxas guessed, in Axel's terms it kinda was. In fact, he wasn't even that surprised that he woken up even though Axel had made such a small noise, Roxas had always had a weird sixth sense when it came to Axel. And sleep deprived Roxas might have even admitted that it was because that he believed that Axel was his soul mate. However, Rational Roxas would never admit to something like that.

The front yard was very poorly illuminated but even in the dim light, Roxas could see that Axel, despite the cold, was wearing a loose green tank top, and black cargo pants that hung low on his hips. The sight of his pale arms, which were exposed to the brutal night air, made Roxas feel even colder and the breeze blew strands of Axel's cherry red hair across his cheeks, making him look devastatingly beautiful.

"What are you doing here?"

"Just let me in, please babe?"

Roxas frowned at the way that the stupid nickname made a shiver run down his spine, making the tips of his fingers tingle and his cheeks turn red. It was insane, the effect that Axel had on him.

Roxas had been in love with Axel since they were kids.

And it wasn't like something out of a lame chick-flick, where the lead character had an epiphany and realised that they were completely and unmistakably in love with their best friend.

It wasn't like that for Roxas. There was no turning point where he realised that he loved the crazy pyromaniac. He had always loved him, and that love just grew until one day, while they were watching TV, Roxas looked over at his best friend and thought that it would probably be really nice to kiss him.

He didn't plan to do anything about it. After all, unrequited love is the best kind of love. The person can't hurt you if they don't even know that you're desperately and pathetically in love with them.

Roxas finally nodded and indicated towards the back door of the house. Axel grinned even wider and started to make his way to the door, the white toes of his sneakers the only bright thing in view and a stark contrast to the dark ground.

Roxas made his way down to the kitchen so that he could let his crazy friend in, making sure to miss the fourth stair that always creaked obnoxiously whenever someone stepped on it. Once he made it to the kitchen, it took a few tried in order to locate the door handle in the dark, and when he finally did the stupid thing decided that it justdidn't want to open for him.

After at least five minutes of cussing at the door and a kick that left him in pain and did nothing to aid his situation, he finally pulled the bothersome thing open. The weak light that the moon provided allowed him to see Axel's grinning face, centimetres away from his own.

Roxas blinked before he took a step back, his face reddening due to the lack of distance between Axel and himself. Axel, however, seemed oblivious to Roxas's discomfort and just stepped closer to him, pulling the door shut behind him.

"What are you grinning at?" Roxas hissed, trying to get the blood to leave his cheeks before Axel noticed.

"You were swearing at the door." Axel answered, that stupid grin still dancing about his lips.

"Oh. You heard that." Roxas replied, rubbing the back with his neck as he looked at his best friend's arms. How was Axel not freezing?

"You're adorable, Roxy."

And before Roxas could even retaliate to being called 'cute', he felt the brush of lips against his cheeks, and then a blur of red hair passed by his vision. By the time that he had brought his fingers up to touch the tingling patch of skin that Axel's cold lips had brushed, Axel was already halfway up the stairs.

**XxXx**

Roxas walked into his room after locking up downstairs and then trying, but failing, to understand what that kiss could have meant. Axel was lying on his back on Roxas's bed, staring up at the Glow-in-the-dark universe that they had both stuck up there years ago. There were times when Roxas considered getting rid of the plastic stars and planets that dotted his ceiling, but taking them down would be like admitting that his childhood was finally over.

"Axel. Why are you in my room at 2am?"

Axel sat up and looked at Roxas in confusion.

"You let me in, remember?"

Roxas sighed.

"I meant, what aren't you home?"

"Oh!" Axel replied the confusion leaving his face as that smile made its way back onto his face, pulling the corners of his lips up. He stood up and walked over to Roxas, placing his hands on the smaller boy's shoulders before speaking again, "I just wanted to see you."

Roxas felt that giddy excitement start to bubble up inside of him as he heard Axel say those words, the fact that they could lead to so much more making him full heartedly believe what Axel was saying.

That was until he looked up and met Axel's eyes.

The smile on Roxas's face immediately faded.

"You're high, aren't you?" he said, his voice sounding devoid of all emotion even though all he wanted to do was scream.

The smile on Axel's face slipped but he quickly regained composure.

"What? No, I'm not."

Roxas shook his head, wrenching himself out of Axel's grip as he felt his eyes start to burn with hot tears of disappointment.

"Don't, Axel, just... don't. I know when you're high. I'm your fucking best friend, you idiot, you really think that I don't know when you're stoned out of your fucking mind?"

Axel tried to grab onto Roxas's forearm again but Roxas slapped his hand away.

"You aren't even here to see me, are you? You just didn't want your mom to know that you're doing drugs again so you're here to hide from her. That's all I am, a fucking place to crash until you sober up. Fuck it, Axel, I thought you said that you quit. You promised me that you quit, like, two months ago!"

"LookI – "

"I lied for you Axel, so many fucking times because you said that you didn't want to go back to rehab, but you promised me that you were trying to get clean! And now – you know what? Screw it. Ican't deal with this right now."

Roxas grabbed a pillow from his bed before making his way over to the two-seater couch that he had in his room. He then pulled out a pair of sweatpants from his drawer and a loose t-shirt which he threw onto his bed for Axel to use. He made sure that his back was facing Axel the entire time.

"Go to sleep, Axel. I'll talk to you when you're sober."

Roxas watched as Axel undressed, his movements uncoordinated and slow. He knew the difference between Sober Axel and High as Fuck Axel.

But he wanted Axel to be sober, wanted Axel to mean it when he kissed him on the cheek, wanted Axel to actually just be in his bedroom at two o'clock in the morning just because he wanted to see him and not because he needed a place to sleep off the whatever drug he was experimenting with now.

Roxas had gotten high with Axel once, when they were still in 10th grade or something. He had gotten nothing out of the experience. In fact, he had hated the feeling of lack of control that being intoxicated provided. But Axel relished in it. On one of the rare occasions in which Axel actually spoke to Roxas about his feelings he had told him that best part of being high was not being yourself for a while, not having to think about everything that weighed you down normally. For a blissful period you got to be completely care-free.

But Roxas knew better.

Roxas had been there, completely sober, when a high Axel had told him that he felt like a stranger in his own house now that his mom had gotten a new boyfriend, how he felt like he was intruding all the time. And then Axel would tell him that he often felt like a nobody on this earth. Like his existence was insignificant. And sometimes Axel would clutch at his chest, as tears rolled down his face, and tell Roxas that he knew that he lacked a heart, that he felt the emptiness in his chest all the time... except when he was with Roxas. And Roxas would want to hug him and take all of the hurt away, but by the time that he had gathered up the courage, Axel had moved on to the next topic.

And Roxas knew that Axel had probably lied about being clean for two months, he knew that Axel had probably been lying to him for a while now. But, as desperately as Axel wanted Roxas to believe his lies, Roxas wanted to believe those lies.

But he was tired of lying and being lied to. So he listened to the sounds of Axel breathing before getting up and walking out of his bedroom.

He knew that Axel would probably hate him, at least for a few months, but he needed to do the right thing. So he grabbed his cell phone and dialled Axel's mother's number.

"Hello? Uhm, this is Roxas speaking. I know it's early in the morning, and you were probably sleeping but I have to tell you something about Axel."

**XxXx**

And they lived happily ever after or something, right? Only real life doesn't work that way.

Because Real Life Roxas didn't want to get Real Life Axel into trouble. So Real life Roxas didn't tell Axel's mother about her son's drug problem, because he didn't want Real Life Axel to leave for rehab again. Because Real Life Roxas was a selfish bastard.

And when Roxas's mom walked into his bedroom a few days later and told him that his friend, while stoned out of his mind, had walked in front of a car, Real Life Roxas felt his heart shatter and all the strings, that held his very soul in place, break.

And he's been trying to escape reality ever since.

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**Let me know what you think? **

**Reviews are confidence building. **

**Oh, and on a slightly unrelated note... I need someone to edit a piece for me. It's a Seiner one-shot that i'm planning to have up in a few months. It's a present/slash surprise for me editor hence why I need someone else to edit for me. So if you're interested pleeeease let me know via a review or PM.**

**Thanks, guys.**


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